Goals for '08

Not counting modesty, we're nearly perfect. But we can still come up with a few New Year's resolutions to strive for in 2008:

1. Gain 10 pounds. The leftover turkey in the fridge would be a good place to start.

2. Learn how to open the refrigerator.

2a. Without getting caught.

3. There was a dog on TV that could pick out any single one of maybe a hundred different toys on request, just given that object's name. Can you believe that? I mean one dog with a hundred toys? We resolve to upgrade our toy collection to world class. "Dad" says we'll have to donate some of our old toys to a shelter to make room in the toy box. But we're thinking eBay.

4. Maintain homeland security, holding off all threats to our territory. Especially that UPS guy.

5. Convince "mom" to trade in her SUV for a minivan: easier access, more headroom. Royal blue would complement our coats nicely.

6. Break the world record for hours of sleep in one day. Getting up several times the night before should help, especially if we ask to go out, so "Dad" will be too tired to go on any walks.

7. Massively increase the traffic to our blog. Cosmo can sometimes nudge the mouse button and add one hit, but that's not going to get us there. We're used to doing things by mouth, but this "word of mouth" thing is a different story, and many of our doggie pals are still not online... So who do we have to share treats with to get into "Blogs of Note"?

8. Learn to count to ten. It's not so easy when you only have four toes per limb.

Stairway to Heaven

We both have the motivation to jump right into the back of "mom's" SUV (whose rear seats are almost always folded down) on a moment's notice. Astro has the agility to make the jump even though there's not much headroom. But Cosmo, who had some joint and back troubles as a puppy with his first owner, isn't quite as athletic. And even "dad" doesn't have the strength to lift us in - as if we'd put up with such humiliation in the first place.

"Dad" got one of those folding ramp things, but we're not into high-wire acts and refuse to trust it. Then he noticed that we have no trouble with stairs in the house, so he made us this nifty set of portable steps instead. They're light enough that "mom" can easily toss them in the car for trips, and were simple and inexpensive to build as well.

The steps were made from foam insulation board from the home improvement store. "Dad" cut the 1.5" thick sheet into five 1x2-foot sections for the top step, and five 2x2-foot sections for the bottom section. A layer of thick corrugated cardboard on the two 1x2-foot step surfaces adds protection from toenail punctures, and a strip of carpet remnant wraps around the whole thing for a sturdy non-slip surface. The layers were glued together with "gorilla" glue; hot glue should work also. The carpet was creased to fit, glued on, and some duct tape (a "dad" signature) added to keep the seams secure.

So now we know it's a doggy road trip when the steps come out, and the car goes from zero to two dogs in less than a second.

Fire and Rain

Because last year was so dry, we can hardly complain when we get the occasional rainy day like today. It's no fun doing our business in the cold and wet, but "dad" makes up for it by giving us a special towel rubdown when we get back inside. Sometimes he even makes silly sound effects that we're suckers for. And if it's cold enough, "mom" will start a toasty blaze going in the fireplace and wrap us up in blankets. So even sun-lovers like us have learned to enjoy a storm now and then.

Toy Story

We have a prized collection of soft squeaky toys acquired over the years, dating back as far as the time we grew out of ripping each new one to shreds. Astro doesn't play with them these days, unless he's in an unusually puppyish mood, or to get "first dibs" on a brand new toy. "Dad" sometimes pulls a long-forgotten toy out of the bottom of the box, but we're not fooled for long.

Cosmo thinks of the toys as a sort of all-purpose canine currency - presenting one in exchange for getting pets, or just showing them off as a bit of not-so-subtle bling. Sometime's he'll sit for hours with one in his mouth just for the warm fuzzy feeling. The squeakers are also useful for waking up "mom" - but never before "dad" has her first cup of tea ready. With Christmas coming, we're both wondering what cool new toy Santa will bring us this year - and how we're going to fit them into our overflowing toy box.

Walk the Walk, Hear the Talk

Dogs of our stature get accustomed to interesting reactions from people when we're out for walks. Some just cross to the other side of the street, perhaps out of respect. Some come up with dumb comments like "Who's walking who there?" or "Wow, they're as big as horses!" or even "You could put a saddle on them!". Yeah, never heard those before.

Not that originality is essential - we're just fine with "Beautiful dogs!" Even if a more masculine adjective would be preferable, that comment makes our tails wag each time we hear it. But our favorite has to be the time a gentleman told his young son, "Look, Great Danes!". The kid replied "Why? What did they do?"

French Bones

We usually get a little "people food" mixed in with our evening kibble, but the "parents" may be eating something that's not canine-kosher. So sometimes "Dad" will whip out his "French Bones" recipe. It goes like this:

Ingredients (per dog)

• one dog biscuit (we like Milkbones)
• two eggs

Directions

Preheat a non-stick pan or griddle on medium, then turn the heat down to low. Drop in a little butter, then add the eggs. Snap the bones in half, and use them to break the yokes.

Fold the eggs over the bones, and flip the mixture over frequently to coat the bones and gently scramble the eggs. Cook until the mixture is no longer runny. Remove from heat, allow to cool, and chop the eggs into pieces. Mix into kibble and serve.

Adjust the ingredients (number of eggs and bones) to suit - these are Great Dane portions using the generous-sized bones.

Helping in the Garden

Sunbathing on the patio is already a guilty pleasure without watching "mom" working in the yard digging holes, dropping in plants, and pouring water on top. So now and then we try to help out with steps one and three. As "mom's" reaction to this aid is a little hard to figure out, we've found it best to do our gardening while not being watched, and maintain plausible deniability. Still, the way she's constantly replanting our favorite specimens, she must want to encourage more outdoor participation.

Path to True Happiness

One of our favorite adventures is a car ride, and when there's lots of preparation like water bowls and maps, we can hardly contain our excitement. Yesterday we ended up at a quiet parking lot in the mountains, where we all got out for a hike. It was a well-maintained trail (other than a few side trails "Dad" stumbled into) so we were able to lead the way and keep an eye out for danger - not to mention natural curiosities. Weather was perfect: cool breezes and warm sun. About the time we were getting pretty pooped out, we'd found the way back to the car and settled in for a quiet ride home. A tired pooch is a happy pooch.

Seed Capital

We share our outdoor domain with many other creatures, some of the most amusing being the birds that hang out at "Mom's" feeders. But we have to wonder how many boxes of Milkbones she could buy with the money spent on those big sacks of seed. It's not like Lesser Goldfinches are going to provide the crack security detail that we offer - heck, sometimes they just fly into a window. We haven't walked into a door in a long time. [So walking into a screen door doesn't count then? -- "Dad"]

Another drip on the wall

Great Danes are near perfection in canine form - even the books describe our breed as "the Apollo of dogdom." [These two are more like "the Apollo 13 of dogdom." -- "Dad"] If really pressed, though, we'd have to admit that there's something a bit wonky with the lip design. No doubt it worked well for our ancestors, who needed a wide-open jaw for attacking bears. For civilized dogs like us... not so much. Effective drinking from a bowl is a particular challenge. Cosmo especially tends to leave almost as much goo in the bowl as he gets water down the throat. Fortunately our "parents" have learned to translate our look that clearly signals "I'm thirsty, but the water bowl is too gloppy" and proudly demonstrate this by refilling the bowl with fresh.

Still, there's the problem that not everything stays inside the mouth. So we've had to perfect the muzzle-drying technique of rapid oscillating rotations of the head. The best location for this activity would be in the hallway, where both walls are close by and blank-slate white. Cosmo's personal best mark reached 5 feet 4-1/2 inches above ground level. Perhaps one day this could be an Olympic exhibition sport.

The Magic Bed

We both turned 50 (in dog years) recently - "Dad" says we'll be getting offers to join the American Association of Retired Pooches, but I think he's just trying to be funny. Anyway we still feel and look like young pups if you ask me. There are many factors to staying young, including choosing the right "parents", a healthy diet, and regular exercise.

And, of course, getting plenty of beauty rest. I've heard some dogs get to sleep on the bed with "mom" and/or "dad", but for a Great Dane? Get real. Anyway, who wants to get yelled at every time they start into a little snoring? So we got "mom" to make us some super-comfy beds, and we thought we'd share the simple, inexpensive design so you can ask your "folks" to fix you one too. Just give them that woeful look - you know the one - when they ask you to lay down on a hard floor or plain carpet.

Our beds are made from three layers:

1. an "egg-crate" foam pad, about 1" thick.
2. a "memory-foam" mattress pad, another 1" thick. This is especially good for big dogs like us, or anyone prone to joint problems.
   
3. a blanket on top for softness and washability. We prefer solids or plaids, but hey, if you dig SpongeBob, we won't say a word.
   

Take your "parents" for a car ride to a Wal-Mart or similar store to pick all of these up. Have them cut the pads to size if necessary, then lay the blanket on top (folded in half if it's big enough), wrap it around the edges and tuck it in. That's it! Your job is to curl up on top of it and give a big sigh of contentment.

Woof, it works!

"Dad" is pretty smart, for a human. We got him to hack the WiFi router to pick up our thoughts when we stand next to the antenna just so. Run that through an industrial-strength spell checker and we're on-line and world wide!

We want to use our new corner on the web to pass out some expert advice, share adventures, and hopefully entertain you. If you haven't learned to read yet, get your people to spend some Quality Time reading our posts to you. They never get tired of stuff like that.